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| justsimplyincompetent.pathetic.childishdisposition:oppositional,precariouslyimpulsive.hairpulling,headbanging,earpiercingscreams.
it's the feeling under your skin that you can't quite scratch out because you'll scratch until you bleed but then you'll scratch still until you reach your bone. when you get to the ivory melting with the velvety blood, you'll realize that it was for naught because the feeling is still there, all the way down into the marrow. it's where the blood is made and formed into what it is for those brief three months when it pumps throughout your body and keeps circulating, trying to help you breathe.
breathing. yes, that would help right now. shallow breathing just ain't cuttin it but i am being restrained and strapped down to my insanity. my insanity is wearing me.... to the floor. my insanity is holding me to the ground with my face pressed onto these plastic tiles. the elusive vapors form on these three year old plastic tiles and you have to believe me, they are mocking me. if they are not the ones mocking me, then who is it? exactly what is it that makes me feel this way. i demand the shapes to answer me and they only ephemeral beings. when the vapor disappears for the umpteenth time, it is finally unveiled who it is that is mocking me and holding me down. it is not insanity, it is not an itch; it is a child. it is just me. so it is definitely just that simple. it is just those three syllables. melody.
just let go.
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| for months, people would ask me if i too was excited after these 5 long years of studying (and fake studying) for the upcoming rotations, moving on, getting my license. i would reply the same way to everyone: i was scared that i would go on rotations and look like a fool, that there was too much fake studying and too little real studying. "you'll be fine!" that i'm a fake and now everyone knows that i'm a fake. i'm a fake pharmacy student! "hey, i was just as bad, probably even worse than you. i can tell." i've been posing as one for all this time and living in the dorms and going to the same classes as everyone else but in actuality, i'm enrolled in Theory to Music, Calculus 3, and Maps & Map Readings. it's true, tell your friends! i'm an impostor!
but now, as it draws closer and closer and i realize that rotations are only less than 10 days away (only a hop and a skip!), i have become petrified. i'm somewhat self-conscious but still enthusiastic to learn more. but the thing that i learned over dinner today with a few friends old and new, drinking away and munching on each other's jobs and perspective jobs, the thing i learned was that i am scared of the future, of the difference, of the change. "i've been living in suchandsuch, rent is so high. yea i actually am involved in designing soandso and overseeing thisandthat." i started getting cold sweats when i realized that the conversation over dinner was about how our majors were leading our lives to the inevitable and what others were doing in those inevitable jobs (and had been doing for more than just a few months).
i cannot believe that i am old enough to see this grown-up world that i had dreamt about when i was an adolescent. when i was younger, i thought i was mature enough to be an adult and take on a job already but was just waiting to gain more knowledge. now that i have more knowledge, i forgot to mature along the way to make up for these years! i didn't mature enough to accept change so readily! "you never change, Melody." i am not ready to accept this change! i am not ready to become an adult! "that was so silly. wow, still the same, huh?" i am only ready to become ready! does anyone else feel like this or is it just me? everyone seems so excited. i want to be excited too! i want to celebrate and raise my glass and earnestly cheer, "to the future!" yet i sit here, not wishing for the past, not particularly favoring the present, but absolutely completely and utterly terrified.
i'm going to go hide under my bed now.
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| I finally feel at home. After all those exams, I only associated this freaking Richardson building as a place to study and take naps between classes and life. I realized that I looked up at the night sky before I walked in before I was finally enjoying the air around the building and the fact that I was coming back to where I belong. If only the antechamber didn't smell like dog poop....
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| Today, I came home to find my mother watching football. She was so upset that the touchdown didn't count due to some technicality. "(in Chinese) OH NO! But it was a beautiful touchdown! Beautiful! (in English) That's such a shame. (in Chinese) I can't continue watching this. *changes channel, surfs for a little bit, changes back to football*"
I didn't know my mom knew how to play football.
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This is the view from my apartment right now. It's actually a little brighter in real life than the picture itself.
What is it about the winter that has me raptured so?  It is the sense of beginning anew? I do feel suddenly optimistic about my upcoming finals. (Wait -- wait, that moment has passed now.) But then again, snow has always captured the attention of everyone that's seen it. From the ancient Chinese poet that compared it to moonlight (c'mon, you know the poem) to my fob friend that had never seen it until she was 15 years old and thought it was dancing and oh so luminescent and to everyone including me that thinks that it looks so innocent and peaceful. Don't you just want to run into it and throw it up in the air? Kind of like crisp fall leaves. But this snow, lovely snow, can be thrown at people and it'll just poof into the air once it hits the target's coat.
I think the important thing this season, especially this season, is to remember to stay young at heart. No matter what age, you can still have fun in the snow. When my grandfather came to the US a long time ago, he practically jumped into the snow when he saw it and started throwing it about like he was my age at the time. You can either think about snow as an opportunity for snowball fights and hot chocolate... or you can think of snow as a chore and something to shovel away. You have already made the choice this morning when you saw it snow heavily down.
So are you young at heart or are you just... getting older? 
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
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